Aug 10, 2026
How to give feedback:
- there are two kinds of feedback. The kind the person is eager to hear and the kind they are not.
- when they're eager to hear it, feedback is easy and fun. It feels like coaching a friend, and often doesn't feel like anything at all-- you barely notice it because it's a routine collaboration between colleagues. (More on the second kind later)
- when giving feedback go from concrete to abstract: first show them an example of their work, then show them how you would have done it, then explain why it matters, finally give them a framework they can use on their own.
- examples need to be very concrete-- a line from their email, a paragraph from the design doc, a screenshot of a UI they shipped, etc.
- counterfactual also needs to be very concrete. Rewrite the line/paragraph or mock up the UI yourself and show them side by side.
- then explain why your version is better and why it matters.
- finally give them a framework they can take away. E.g. "tell them what you'll tell them, tell them, tell them what you've told them." This is easy to remember and very helpful to make memorable presentations, just to pick one example.
- the reason to go concrete->abstract is simply that ppl understand it better. Starting with explanations and frameworks, and skipping examples/counterfactuals tends to be much more difficult to understand.
- giving examples and counterfactuals requires a lot of energy. Most managers don't do it for this reason. But if you really want someone to improve, this is the best way.
If the person isn't eager for feedback:
- there can be many reasons for this. Maybe they don't trust you to have their best interests at heart, maybe the feedback you're giving hurts the person's self-image, maybe they don't recognize your authority.
- you need to diagnose which reason it is. Depending on the reason you want to approach the conversation differently.
- if it's a trust issue, this is generally very difficult to fix at the time of the conversation. You should have been building it all along. You need to genuinely care about the person succeeding and consistently demonstrate it over time.
- if it's about the person's ego, you need to help them save face. You probably have tons of examples of setbacks from your own life. Sharing those helps.
- if the person doesn't recognize your authority, you have to reassert it (this is a topic for a different post)
Evaluation/patience:
- whether the person is eager to hear your feedback or not, they may not get it right away. You have to do your best to explain, try a few different ways, then let it bake.
- after a while, if the person hasn't fixed the issue, try again. You may need to go through this process a few times over weeks or months-- ppl grow in different areas at a different pace. Maybe you have to do it 2-3 times before it clicks.
- managers wear two hats-- you're trying to get the person to succeed in their role, and you also have to evaluate them, which impacts their career. This creates tension you have to navigate. I have a few pieces of advice for this:
- separate feedback and evaluation. When you're giving feedback, all you're trying to do is help the person improve. Nobody can be receptive if they feel they're judged all the time. Evaluation is a longer range thing, you want to do it completely separately and at a different time, not at the time you're giving feedback.
- let ppl make mistakes (obviously if it's not harming customers). Sometimes you have to explicitly think when to give feedback and when to hold it back. Ppl cannot improve at everything all at once.
Weak spots:
- every manager has a weak spot. The canonical one is you're afraid of confrontation, you sense the person won't take feedback well, so you don't give it. But there are other weak spots (see below).
- I don't have particularly good advice on how to overcome fear of confrontation and things like that. You just have to do the thing. Remember that it's your job-- if you don't do it you harm your customers, company, colleagues, etc.
- there are other weak spots to be aware of. For example, an employee is friendly but they never quite understand what you're saying. Many managers feel it's their fault and just try endlessly and let things continue indefinitely. You should definitely try to explain in different ways, but come evaluation time you have to be objective about the person's performance.
- gaps can be legible or ambient. A legible gap is-- the person did a specific thing that's easy to point to and show a counterfactual. Ambient gap is-- there is nothing in particular to point to. Everything is just kind of... not as good as it should be.
- ambient gaps are tough; it's hard to give feedback, it's hard to point to anything, so ppl let the situation continue indefinitely. Don't do this-- this is a common failure mode and is very corrosive. Try your best to give feedback, but ultimately an ambient performance gap probably means the person is in the wrong company or the wrong role.
I’ve never met anyone who consistently executes this flawlessly btw, feedback is inherently messy. But you should still try to do it well!